Strike a Match, Let it Burn
Features that make online dating appealing also expose its biggest flaws.
Hopeless romantics long for the elusive ‘meet-cute’ — a charming first encounter with a future partner. Popular culture, from romantic comedies to Nora Ephron novels, ties the idea of a perfect relationship to the perfect beginning. There’s a belief that good couples should have a dinner-party-ready, swoon-worthy answer to the question, “how did you two meet?” But ask a group of 20-somethings this question, and you’ll likely hear that their love story began on the apps. These days, modern romance isn’t shaped by well-meaning pseudo-cupids setting up their sweetest friends, or by serendipitous moments over a shared love for the last copy of a favorite novel. Instead, modern romance is shaped by technology.
In the United States, 30% of adults, and over half of adults under 30, use dating apps, according to a 2023 survey by Pew Research Center. The study also found Tinder to be the most popular app used by this demographic, followed by Match and Bumble.
Despite their widespread use, dating apps evoke mixed reactions among users. The same Pew Center data showed that slightly more users report positive experiences than negative ones (53% compared to 46%), with men generally reporting more positive experiences and women evenly split. Although many still view these platforms negatively, one-in-ten adults who are in committed partnerships met their significant other through a dating app.
While dating apps are a source of dissatisfaction for many, they are an essential part of modern dating and romance culture. These platforms have fundamentally altered how people meet and connect, but the very processes that make the apps so popular — endless swiping, instant connections, and boundless choice — are also at the heart of their flaws.
A Number’s Game
Clinical psychologist Dr. Isabelle Morley specializes in romantic relationships, helping individuals and couples navigate the psychological effects of modern dating. She acknowledged that both online and offline dating can be unpredictable. “It’s a crapshoot, and dating in the real world is a crapshoot, too,” Morley said. “You meet a lot of people, you go on a lot of dates, and eventually you find somebody who’s the right fit.”
However, online dating often demands greater persistence and effort. The constant swiping, chatting, and hoping for connection can lead to burnout in ways that offline dating does not. “It really is exhausting to have many conversations going at a time, where you're not investing in any one person,” Morley said. “You are playing the numbers game, but then it’s very hard to actually be genuinely yourself with everyone who you're talking to.”
Jessica Coolidge, a 46-year-old social worker living in Boston, has been online dating since sites like Match.com began gaining traction in the early 2000s. Despite her experience, Coolidge still prefers to meet people in-person.
“Online dating is a lot of work for me,” she said, noting that the cycle of messaging and swiping is challenging for those with busy schedules. She has felt the dread of needing to consistently check the apps, especially on Bumble where matches expire after 24-hours of no activity.
Paralysis of Choice
This sense of exhaustion is compounded by what Morley described as a “paralysis of choice.” Online dating creates a landscape where users feel overwhelmed by the seemingly infinite number of potential matches at their fingertips. “There’s always more people you could be talking to, or seeing, which makes it very hard to settle on any one person,” Morley said. “There’s hundreds or thousands of people who you could like more than the person you’re talking to.”
For Coolidge, this abundance of choice often leads to fleeting connections. “Even when I’ve had a good connection with someone, time goes by, you get bored, and you start swiping again,” she said. With the pattern of instant gratification inherent on the apps, it’s easy to move on from a match in search of the next best thing.
Jessica Coolidge, 46, and Evan Troost, 23, share their experiences on dating apps.
The sheer volume of options can also fuel insecurity, leaving users feeling as though they are competing against an immeasurable pool of others. Morley described how this dynamic can deplete one’s confidence: “There’s definitely a boost when you match with someone, but it’s a 10-second dopamine rush that doesn’t last.”
This cycle of dopamine-driven interactions contributes to feelings of burnout and frustration. Matt Rushford, a 23-year-old graduate student living in Boston, is another frequent user of dating apps. He recognized the temporary confidence boost that comes with getting matches. “Like many others, I feel like the self-esteem boost is part of why I’m into or like using dating apps,” he said. “But that can be very toxic too. Being overly reliant on using dating apps to gain confidence sounds like a very toxic relationship.”
The Challenge of Authenticity
Another significant challenge in online dating is evaluating the authenticity of profiles. Many users feel profiles present idealized or incomplete versions of the individuals behind them.
“It’s like judging a book by its cover,” said Olivia Alafriz, a 22-year-old journalist in Washington, D.C. “But you don’t even know if it’s really an accurate cover.”
Alafriz noted the disconnect between a good profile and a genuine person. “If there’s a set of people you want to date, and a set of people who can make a good Hinge profile, those Venn diagrams don’t really overlap,” she said. In her experience, someone worth dating won’t always be able to craft an engaging or effective profile.
While the ability to curate one’s online presence is a frustration for some, for others, this provides a layer of emotional protection. Morgan Asta, a 30-year-old consultant living in Boston, explained how this element of emotional detachment can act as a shield when things don’t work out. “You’ve created this persona, so it’s a coping mechanism to say, ‘Well, they didn’t really reject me; they rejected that persona,’” she said.
After undergoing a personal transformation of losing 200 pounds, Asta turned to the apps to ease into dating. “I was so uncomfortable with myself that I thought online would be easier because there’s a level of removal,” she said. Dating apps gave her a way to engage in romance without feeling overly vulnerable.
Morgan Asta, 30, and Jodie Griffith, 56, discuss authenticity in online dating.
Even platforms that attempt to humanize their users — like Facebook Dating, which allows users to view mutual connections with potential matches — can’t get around the barrier that technology creates. Coolidge, who favors Facebook Dating for this feature, acknowledged that its impact is often minimal. “Most of the time, you don’t have a shared connection, so it’s almost like you’re just someone on a screen,” she said. “Even if they’ve been out with you one time, you can still hide.”
The anonymity inherent to online dating can also foster dishonesty. “It’s a very deceitful world,” Morley said, pointing to instances where users build profiles around fake pictures or information.
Jodie Griffith, a 56-year-old HR professional from Portland, Maine, has been online dating since getting divorced in 2019, and has encountered several fake profiles and deceptive users. “I have found there are a lot of men on these dating apps who are not real, not who they say they are, or are married, but don’t want to tell you they’re married,” she said. “It took me a while, and some bad experiences, to figure that out.”
Such a culture of curation and detachment often leads to shallow connections, with ‘ghosting’ (abruptly ending communication without explanation) becoming commonplace. “I guess [ghosting] is part of the game,” Rushford said. “You aren’t really seeing the person.”
Coolidge has noticed a rise in ghosting over her years on dating apps and finds it troubling. “I think if you’ve had one date you don’t owe anyone a follow-up call, but the amount of ghosting that is happening out there is so absurd to me,” she said. To her, ghosting reflects how online dating inhibits people’s ability to be honest.
Morley emphasized the psychological toll ghosting can take on a person. “We just have to fill in a lot of blanks, and people tend to fill in blanks with things that put them down,” she said. “Maybe they met somebody they liked more. Maybe I wasn’t that interesting. Maybe they found another picture of me on my Instagram and said I wasn’t pretty.”
The Monetization of Love
Morley highlighted that while the apps are designed to create matches, they rely on users spending as much time on them as possible. “Really, their bottom line is about profit,” she said.
Apps like Tinder use what Morley described as “intentionally addictive” design strategies. “It’s like the most addictive form of reinforcement where you swipe and randomly you match. It’s going to be two swipes, or 15 or 30, or whatever it is, but it’s enough to keep you hooked to keep engaging with it.”
After a certain number of swipes per day, apps like Tinder and Bumble require users to pay to continue. Coolidge noted that because she doesn’t pay for the premium version of Hinge, she can only send a limited number of likes per day. “That doesn’t work for me,” she said, as she believes sending more likes increases her chances of finding a genuine match.
Morley said that these types of features are more targeted towards generating profit than fostering connections between users. Still, the allure of expanded options under a paid plan persuades many users to upgrade.
Nearly one-third of dating app users report paying for premium features, with men and higher-income adults more likely to do so, according to a 2023 Pew Center survey. This demand drove global revenue in the dating app industry to exceed $5 billion in 2023, according to a report by the Business of Apps. Tinder, the highest-grossing app in the category, generated nearly $808 million in revenue that year, according to Statista.
The future of romance being in the hands of a multi-billion-dollar industry can feel jarring, with many fearing that these companies manipulate opportunities for connection for the sake of higher profits.
Nonetheless, some are as optimistic about online dating as they are about the role of technology in society overall. Alafriz said she believes that dating apps are the future because people seem less inclined to make connections in-person, since technology is so prevalent today. Rushford said that the ever-growing world of technology will keep people online dating, and “that’s just a part of reality now.”
Matt Rushford, 23, and Olivia Alafriz, 22, discuss the future of online dating.
Despite her negative experiences from dating apps, Coolidge said she doesn’t think her bad dates were solely because the connection began online. She said that bad experiences are likely due to peoples’ own issues rather than the nature of online dating.
Longing for romantic connection is part of human nature, said Morley.
“We’re a social species. People want to be in a relationship. They want to find real, actual love, and if meeting people in-person is a more efficient, more effective way of doing it, I think that’s going to be the way that this all starts going.”
It is uncertain whether the future of romance will exist online or offline. The apps might be here to stay. Future romantic comedies may solely show ‘meet-cutes’ beginning with a Tinder match. Technology may continue to dictate how people find love, while the corporations behind it all continue to prioritize profit over bringing people together. Still, the quest for true connection or a great romance is part of human nature, and the paywall of a dating app cannot stifle that desire.
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